Monday, March 20, 2006

Welcome to my Nightmare

I can't afford therapy, so my faithful readers will be forced to read my pathetic attempts at self-analysis. Exhibitionist therapy at its worst. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and have figured out that I am one screwed up individual. I would say my biggest issue is communication of my thoughts and feelings. I can try to lay that off on the whole "I'm a guy, we're supposed to do that" thing, but seriously, I cannot, and I mean absolutely cannot, communicate my feelings using spoken words.

When someone hurts me or makes me mad, I just push it down inside. I've spent my entire life restraining my words because I didn't want to hurt other people's feelings. Well, most of those people never gave a fuck about my feelings, so why should I have been worrying about theirs? I recently sat through some therapy sessions for marriage counselling and I couldn't tell the therapist what I was thinking or what was bothering me. I finally tried at the last session but I wasn't able to express the emotion or power behind the feelings. I just spoke words. I could've been telling him how to get to the nearest McDonald's.

Someone recently told me I was hollow inside. That's a pretty damn good description. I love my two kids (A & Z) more than anything and I love my grandparents, who are pretty much the only family I have left. I seem incapable of maintaining a relationship with someone I'm not genetically linked to. I have very good friends, but as proved by my actions a couple of years ago, I can just stop contact at a moment's notice.

I'm sitting here going back and forth on whether to post this or just delete it. The old Jeff would say delete it. The new Jeff just said fuck it and hit Publish Post (after proof-reading of course, I'm not that screwed up).

Listening: Jungle Love by Morris Day & the Time, but if I had to tell you that, you suck.

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